Thirty Thousand Days

by Gregg Krech

For the past twenty years I have been conducting retreats in which a person spends a week reflecting on his or her entire life (Naikan retreat). A participant always begins with her mother and a central part of the reflection is remembering the details of what was received from her mother from the time of her birth until the present day. But in many cases, the person’s mother has already died. On Mother’s day, how do we create a celebration for our mother when she is no longer alive. Here are a five possible ideas:

1. Spend time reflecting on your mother using Naikan’s three questions.

You can select a period of your life, generally a three year period before you left home, and spend 45-60 minutes reflecting on the following three questions

a. What did I receive from my mother?
b. What did I give to my mother?
c. What troubles and difficulties did I cause my mother?

2. Plant a tree or perennial in your mother’s name

At our retreat center, the ToDo Institute, we plant trees for people who become Life Members. Some of these people ask that the tree be planted in the name of their mother. We planted an ornamental cherry tree in the name of my friend Sue’s mom and each spring it bursts into beautiful blossoms.

3. Write your mother a thank you letter

Even though you mother may not be alive, you can still write her a thank you letter. Try to be specific and thank her for specific efforts she made (like the time she took you to the emergency room when you broke your ankle) rather than for generalities like cooking, housekeeping and care. What did she actually do to show you she loved you? You may wish to have a quiet ceremony at her grave or in your home to read your letter to her.