Thirty Thousand Daystag:www.todoinstitute.com,2008:/30KDays//22008-07-02T12:43:35ZPsychology from Japan (Morita and Naikan therapies) which blends the practical, psychological and spiritual. Key themes include gratitude, overcoming procrastination, mindfulness and living on purpose.Movable Type 3.31Beyond Fireworks: Celebrating our Interdependencetag:www.todoinstitute.com,2007:/30KDays//2.1592008-06-27T17:01:26Z2008-07-02T12:43:35ZWhen you reflect on your personal freedom you can't help but see the interdependence of life. We depend on people. Lots of people. It's not unusual to find references to "oneness" in the world's great religious traditions or in philosophy. But the type of reflection I'm describing (called Naikan in Japan) brings this philosophy down to earth. We realize how connected we are. We realize how supported we are. And we see, in the most practical way, how interdependent we all are. www.todoinstitute.org
"If you are a poet, you will see clearly that there is a cloud floating in this sheet of paper. Without a cloud, there will be no rain; without rain, the trees cannot grow: and without trees, we cannot make paper. The cloud is essential for the paper to exist. If the cloud is not here, the sheet of paper cannot be here either."
-Thich Nhat Hanh
Soon we will be lifting our heads towards the sky to witness the dazzling display of fireworks that marks the celebration of Independence Day. It's a wonderful opportunity to reflect on our good fortune of being born, through no effort of our own, on the soil of a country which offers us a great deal of freedom. We can easily take this freedom for granted. We mostly go where we want to go, say what we want to say, worship the way we want to worship -- and pay little attention to this gift of freedom.
But freedom is different from independence. Independence implies that we are not ]]>
Naikan in Japan) brings this philosophy down to earth. We realize how connected we are. We realize how supported we are. And we see, in the most practical way, how interdependent we all are.
If you want to take this a step further, try putting a note in a bottle and sending it upstream. Write a thank you note to someone who helps you have more freedom. Let them know you appreciate what they're doing and how much you've benefited from their efforts. The birth of our nation is an important date to remember. But let's also acknowledge the birth of our awareness -- an awareness that our freedom is a gift. A gift that's available to us thanks to the efforts and work of countless people, past and present.
Independence often stimulates a sense of pride – a sense that I am competent, capable and I can get along without others. Interdependence, on the other hand, stimulates a sense of humility, a reminder to be grateful -- that we cannot exist except through the efforts of others.
Independence sounds more exciting. Self-reflection, gratitude and humility may not be as spectacular as fireworks. But the world needs something to help us transform our relationships with one another. Exploding rockets won’t do that. Kindness and compassion can do it. And we’re more likely to cultivate those qualities when we celebrate our connection with others, rather than our separateness.
Happy Interdependence Day!
Gregg Krech is the Director of the ToDo Institute, an educational center for Japanese Psychology and Purposeful Living in Vermont. He is the author of several books including the award-winning Naikan: Gratitude, Grace and the Japanese Art of Self-Reflection and A Finger Pointing to the Moon. He is a leading authority on Japanese methods of psychology and his work has been featured in Counseling Today, Cosmopolitan, SELF and American Health magazines. More of his writing can be found at
www.todoinstitute.org
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Celebrating Mother's Day If Your Mother Has Diedtag:www.todoinstitute.com,2008:/30KDays//2.1742008-05-09T14:31:35Z2008-05-09T14:37:32Zby Gregg Krech For the past twenty years I have been conducting retreats in which a person spends a week reflecting on his or her entire life (Naikan retreat). A participant always begins with her mother and a central part...www.todoinstitute.org
For the past twenty years I have been conducting retreats in which a person spends a week reflecting on his or her entire life (Naikan retreat). A participant always begins with her mother and a central part of the reflection is remembering the details of what was received from her mother from the time of her birth until the present day. But in many cases, the person’s mother has already died. On Mother’s day, how do we create a celebration for our mother when she is no longer alive. Here are a five possible ideas:
1. Spend time reflecting on your mother using Naikan’s three questions.
You can select a period of your life, generally a three year period before you left home, and spend 45-60 minutes reflecting on the following three questions
a. What did I receive from my mother?
b. What did I give to my mother?
c. What troubles and difficulties did I cause my mother?
2. Plant a tree or perennial in your mother’s name
At our retreat center, the ToDo Institute, we plant trees for people who become Life Members. Some of these people ask that the tree be planted in the name of their mother. We planted an ornamental cherry tree in the name of my friend Sue’s mom and each spring it bursts into beautiful blossoms.
3. Write your mother a thank you letter
Even though you mother may not be alive, you can still write her a thank you letter. Try to be specific and thank her for specific efforts she made (like the time she took you to the emergency room when you broke your ankle) rather than for generalities like cooking, housekeeping and care. What did she actually do to show you she loved you? You may wish to have a quiet ceremony at her grave or in your home to read your letter to her.
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3. Write your mother a thank you letter
Even though you mother may not be alive, you can still write her a thank you letter. Try to be specific and thank her for specific efforts she made (like the time she took you to the emergency room when you broke your ankle) rather than for generalities like cooking, housekeeping and care. What did she actually do to show you she loved you? You may wish to have a quiet ceremony at her grave or in your home to read your letter to her.
4. Tell stories about your mom
A wonderful way to keep your mom’s memory alive is to tell stories about her. Share them with your grandchildren, spouse, children or close friends. Most of us can easily identify our mom’s shortcomings, but this is a great opportunity to tell stories that celebrate her life.
Celebrating our mother’s memory is for our benefit, as much as it is for hers. Remembering the ways we were cared for and loved at a time when we could do little for ourselves reminds us that our birth was a gift, and we live, thanks to the compassion and love of a multitude of people and objects. Our mother was one manifestation of that love. By our standards, we may see her love as imperfect, but where would we be today without her?
Overcoming by Going Aroundtag:www.todoinstitute.com,2008:/30KDays//2.1722008-02-28T16:38:32Z2008-02-28T16:45:15Z The other day I was walking down our driveway which had become icy as a result of sleet, freezing rain, a warm sun, and then cold frigid temperatures. One large segment of the driveway was like a skating rink....www.todoinstitute.org
The other day I was walking down our driveway which had become icy as a result of sleet, freezing rain, a warm sun, and then cold frigid temperatures. One large segment of the driveway was like a skating rink. Even if you walked very carefully, it was almost impossible to cross the ice without slipping and falling. So I decided to simply go around the ice by walking alongside the driveway where there were still several inches of crusty, hard snow. By going around the ice, I was able to continue my walk without confronting the ice directly.
This is the strategy Morita therapy offers for dealing with the challenging feeling-states we all face from time to time – depression, fear, anxiety, despair, frustration and even anger. We are generally taught that we must . . .
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“There is an old Buddhist term, ocho, which means overcoming by going around. In confronting a problem head-on, you may encounter a wall so high and thick that you cannot break through it. So you turn to one side and go around the wall. This is ocho. Instead of sitting desolately in front of the wall that is blocking your progress, you try to get around it by making a long detour, or even by digging under it . . . It is a subtle but simple movement of the mind that makes this transformation complete, but an invaluable one to learn and perfect.”
- Hiroyuki Itsuki
It takes a lot of strength to knock down a wall of depression. It takes great courage to break through a wall of fear. But to simply go around the wall doesn’t require any strength or courage at all. It requires a bit of wisdom. It requires clarity of purpose. And it requires acceptance. We leave the ice intact. We leave the wall standing. We overcome our anxiety by going around it, not by destroying it or freeing ourselves from it. You don’t need to travel in a straight line. Water doesn’t travel in a straight line. Because of its flexibility it is impossible to contain it. Let us learn the art of ocho and live more like water.
- Gregg Krech, ToDo Institute
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A Haiku New Yeartag:www.todoinstitute.com,2007:/30KDays//2.1702007-12-28T15:00:27Z2007-12-28T15:12:05Zby Gregg Krech A new year is upon us, or so it seems. It’s time for resolutions -- a contest between will and habit. A time for making plans. A time for dreaming of what we wish will happen. The...www.todoinstitute.org
A new year is upon us, or so it seems. It’s time for resolutions --
a contest between will and habit. A time for making plans.
A time for dreaming of what we wish will happen.
The first dream of the year;
I kept it secret,
And smiled to myself.
- Sho-u
For human beings we make the change of years black and white. We
like well defined borders to time and territory. 2007 becomes 2008. One moment, this; next moment, that. How long will it take us to get used to writing
the checks correctly — a contest of attention and habit.
Nature prefers gradual transformation.
Comings and goings are less precise.
The sun sets and leaves a fading residue of daylight behind.
There’s a new calendar on my wall.
The emptiness of the little squares on each page gives me a sense of leisure,
As if the new year has brought a reprieve
from all tasks and appointments.
New Year’s Day;
I do not hate
Those who trample on the snow.
-Yayu
Yayu likes a fresh, glistening carpet of snow, and he is . . .
Print the entire essay or read the remaining essay HERE.]]>
Cultivating the Holiday Spirit - Part IItag:www.todoinstitute.com,2007:/30KDays//2.1692007-12-18T18:55:06Z2007-12-18T19:01:20Zby Gregg Krech The idea of a holiday spirit can be an elusive reality. We have these wonderful images of what we would like our experience to be during the holiday season. Everyone is joyful. Everyone is relaxed and in...www.todoinstitute.org
The idea of a holiday spirit can be an elusive reality. We have these wonderful images of what we would like our experience to be during the holiday season. Everyone is joyful. Everyone is relaxed and in a good mood. The family sits around the fireplace or Christmas tree, sipping hot apple cider, and engulfed in good cheer and the music of the season. Everyone gets along. Everyone is considerate of one another.
Then I wake up from my dream as I hear my 8 year old daughter in the living room:
“It’s Tuesday, so it’s your turn to fold the laundry.”
“No,” says her 10 year old sister. “The laundry was dry yesterday, so it’s your turn.”
In the background, the stereo is playing Silent Night as the musical score for their holiday script.
The holiday season is stacked with forces that work against a heartfelt spirit, pulling us towards something more frantic and frustrating. Some of those forces are:
1. Rushing. We’re rushing to get all the presents bought in time. We’re rushing to get the cards in the mail. We’re rushing to get everything shipped. The holidays are busy time, so we have to squeeze more activity into the same number of hours. It’s a challenge to feel joyful when you’re late for movies, parties, school plays, haircut appointments and everything else on your schedule this season.
2. Selfishness. The holidays are supposed to be a time for giving, but they easily become a time for “getting” – particularly amongst kids who get preoccupied with their Christmas list and making sure that everyone, including Santa, is clear on what they want. Generosity is important, provided the recipient of that generosity is “me.”
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Shopping. Gift-giving is certainly an important element of the holiday spirit, but it can quickly turn into the antithesis of kindness as we get caught up in shopping malls, store sales, holiday traffic and hours of computer time navigating on-line stores. Searching for a sweet gift for someone we care about is supplanted by the frenzied effort to find something, anything, that is affordable and let’s us cross that person off our list so we feel we have made progress.
Is there a way to recapture the values of compassion, joy, kindness, gratitude and service during the holiday season, or is it a lost cause?
We need strategies for the holidays that act as antidotes to the spirit-devastating forces mentioned above. Here are some ideas that my family has used over the years:
Decorating the Christmas Tree
If you have a Christmas Tree, you probably decorate it with lights and ornaments. One of the nice rituals we have is to make the hanging of ornaments a multi-night activity in which each ornament is selected and thoughtfully dedicated to someone who has a meaningful connection to our family. We lay out the ornaments on the table in front of the tree, and then we take turns selecting an ornament, announcing who we are dedicating it to, and finding a nice spot for it on the tree. Everyone gives undivided attention to the person making the dedication. Our two girls, ages 8 and 10, have been part of this ritual for the past few years and not only does it help us remember the people who have supported our family, but the end result is a decorated tree that is full of life and gratitude and memories of the kindness of others.
Tagging People with the Holiday Spirit
We made up a little game in which we each start with a card that says, “You’ve been tagged with the Holiday Spirit.” When we do something special for someone else in our family, we pass on the card to them. What is given varies tremendously. It could be hanging up someone’s clothes, a foot massage, or finding something that was misplaced. The person gets the card and then they look for opportunities to “tag” someone else – to get rid of their card. When this game is working well, the cards keep moving around and acts of kindness dominate the household. When it’s not working , people lose the cards and complain about the inequality in slices of apple pie.
There’s a certain amount of chaos and calamity that we have to embrace to enjoy the holiday season. Like all the seasons, things will not go according to plan and the recognition of that helps us to let go of our idealized expectations. Yet it is still valuable to cultivate a holiday spirit in which we remember the teachings of Jesus, Buddha, and others who modeled a way of living in the world that we wish to emulate with our lives. The holiday season can, and should, get us more closely in touch with the ideals of such a life.
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Cultivating a Holiday Spirit - Part Itag:www.todoinstitute.com,2007:/30KDays//2.1682007-12-08T17:50:55Z2007-12-08T18:02:14Zby Gregg Krech I finished rereading David Steindl-Rast’s article on Gratitude and Surprise which we use in our ToDo Institute Course on Self-Reflection Here’s an excerpt from the article: Gratefulness can be improved by practice. But where shall beginners begin?...www.todoinstitute.org
I finished rereading David Steindl-Rast’s article on Gratitude and Surprise which we use in our ToDo Institute Course on Self-Reflection Here’s an excerpt from the article:
Gratefulness can be improved by practice. But where shall beginners begin? The obvious starting point is surprise. You will find that you can grow the seeds of gratefulness just by making room. If surprise happens when something unexpected shows up, let’s not expect anything at all. Let’s follow Alice Walker’s advice: “Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise.”
In the essay he discusses how we can cultivate gratitude by being surprised by things instead of just expecting them. But I’m also extrapolating from his suggestion that we can bring greater joy and gratitude to others by “surprising them” more often. We expect ]]>
“I haven’t practiced for a while”
“I’ll be disturbing the conversation of people at the table”
“They really don’t want people using the piano”
In spite of these thoughts, as desert was being served, I sat down and played. People must have been surprised because half the people wandered over, probably just to see who was playing. I played one other selection and then turned the keyboard over to my 7 year old daughter and another little girl who new some simple tunes. As the evening progressed I received very sweet complements from so many of the guests (which surprised me!). The music stood out because nobody expected it. Everybody expected turkey, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie. But nobody expected George Winston’s version of Thanksgiving. It was a surprise.
What a simple formulae this is for bringing joy and gratitude into the lives of others. Our surprise does not need to be perfect (I made several mistakes) or expensive. It just needs to be unexpected and designed to bring some momentary joy to the recipient. I’ve seen the same dynamic with my children. They can be flooded with wonderful presents on or around their birthday and most of the gifts simply get lost in the shuffle. But if I bring them home a little $2 gift from a thrift shop for no other reason that to show them I was thinking about them, they are so excited that they can hardly stop hugging me (they have me well trained).
So surprise is both a way to cultivate gratitude in our own lives and a way to bring joy and stimulate gratitude in the lives of others. What a simple little piece of wisdom to discover.
Best wishes for a wonderful, and surprising, holiday season.
Warm regards,
Gregg Krech
Getting off to a good start in the New Year
A ToDo Institute Webcast - January 5th and 8th (1 hour each)
www.todoinstitute.org/ldlp.html
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Ten Ideas for a Thankful Thanksgivingtag:www.todoinstitute.com,2007:/30KDays//2.1672007-11-20T19:06:21Z2007-11-20T19:29:56Zby Gregg Krech For many people Thanksgiving has ceased to be a celebration of thankfulness. Too often it is dominated by the pressures of family reconnecting, the worries over the meal, the seduction of football games and the overindulgence in...www.todoinstitute.orgFor many people Thanksgiving has ceased to be a celebration of thankfulness. Too often it is dominated by the pressures of family reconnecting, the worries over the meal, the seduction of football games and the overindulgence in an excess of food. Even if it is an enjoyable occasion, it may still do little to help us reflect on the good fortune of our lives and express our gratitude for those blessings.
So how do we reclaim a Thanksgiving spirit in our celebration of Thanksgiving? Here are a few ideas for changing how the day is designed. Not everybody will wish to participate in these activities, but you can suggest them and make sure you create enough opportunities for yourself to not only enjoy the holiday, but use it as a rekindling of gratitude as we launch the holiday season.
1. Invite those who are joining you for the holiday to bring a reading or quote that represents the spirit of Thanksgiving,
2. Spend 30 min. of quiet time in the morning reflecting and making a list of all the ways your life has been blessed this past year. Invite other members of your family to join you, even children
3. While you are cooking, reflect on all the efforts and lives that have been given to make your meal possible. Consider all the objects and types of energy that give you the opportunity to cook. Keep your attention focused on what you are doing and what makes it possible for you to do those things.
4. At the beginning of the meal say a grace.
5. Have a bell available on the table (or suggest that people clink a glass) that allows people to signal when they have something they would like to read or share with the group. When the person reads, everyone should pause from eating and listen. The readings should be short, a paragraph or less. This allows the spirit of Thanksgiving to continually arise while everyone eats.
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For further reading see
Thanksgiving and the Spirit of On by Gregg Krech
Gregg Krech is the author of several books including the award winning book, Naikan: Gratitude, Grace and the Japanese Art of Self-refelction (Stone Bridge Press). More of his writing can be found at
www.todoinstitute.org
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First Awareness - How to Wake Uptag:www.todoinstitute.com,2007:/30KDays//2.1652007-09-18T15:45:26Z2007-09-18T15:59:45ZBy Gregg Krech Have you ever had this experience? Your alarm goes off and you find yourself laying in bed as your mind and body begin to awake to the morning. Your mind quickly gets into gear like a computer...www.todoinstitute.orgHave you ever had this experience?
Your alarm goes off and you find yourself laying in bed as your mind and body begin to awake to the morning. Your mind quickly gets into gear like a computer booting up when you hit the “on” button. Thoughts begin to arise. You begin thinking about the day, about everything you have to do today. Meetings, deadlines, phone calls that need to be made. You begin anticipating the overwhelming demands that life will place on you today. Periodically, your mind slips in a wild card, like, “I should have gone to bed earlier”, or, “why did I wasted my time watching that stupid TV show last night?” You think about your schedule. Your to-do list begins to take form like a genie mysteriously emerging from a bottle, but instead of granting you a wish it’s reminding you of how much you need to do today. When you finally emerge from your warm bed and your bare feet make contact with the floor you’ve created some fuel for getting the day started. But what kind of fuel is it? It’s the fuel of anxiety, of stress over how much there is to do. It’s the fuel of depression about how impossible this life is and how challenging the coming day is likely to be. It’s the fuel of self-absorption and anticipation – the fuel of fear that you won’t be able to handle what life will place in your path today.
Is this the fuel you want to use to get yourself going this morning?
An alternative is to use those first few moments . . .
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of awareness mindfully, in a way that anchors you right in the present moment of your life. I discovered this after spending too many mornings going through the script I described above. Then one morning I realized that everything that was going on in my mind had nothing to do with the present moment of my life. So I lied in bed and simply tried to notice the truth of my life and found that I was not only more mindful, but the experience naturally stimulated a sense of gratitude and appreciation. This practice became a marriage between mindfulness and Naikan, a method of self-reflection which originated in Japan. Here’s an example of the flow of my attention as I practice this “first awareness of the morning”:
I’m lying next to my beautiful, sleeping wife and enjoying the warmth emanating from her body.
The temperature outside is chilly, but I’m kept warm by this cozy, thick blanket and the furnace and fuel in the basement of this house.
My two sweet daughters, the blessings of my life, are sleeping quietly in the next room.
My sweet dog Barley, our family’s Golden Retriever, is sleeping quietly on his little futon next to my bed. I reach over the bed and caress his soft coat. I feel the quality of this softness against my fingers, the first awareness I have of my sense of touch today.
I wiggle my toes and they all work fine. I stretch and jiggle my fingers and they all work fine.
I am safe, and my safety has been preserved throughout the night even though I slept and had no awareness of my surroundings.
My eyes have now adjusted to the dim light. I can still see. I am able to begin the day by seeing the extraordinary colors and shapes of the room that surround me.
I take a deep breath and my lungs fill themselves with air. My body has been doing this for me all night without my conscious help and now, for a moment, I take the lead and bring my attention to this amazing process of breathing which sustains my body and spirit.
I listen. For a moment there is complete silence. I listen to the silence. What a gift that silence is. Then I hear a sound – a bird, perhaps a crow. Now more crow sounds. I can hear. There is life outside my home. The world is waking up. I can hear the world waking up. What a gift it is to hear the sounds of the world.
I squeeze my pillow against my cheek. I’m tempted to stay here longer in this warm, cozy little cocoon. It takes a moment of will, a moment of determination to abandon this warmth and safety and venture into the world.
My mind is yearning to make its to-do list – to remind me of all the details, tasks and work that awaits me. I will make that list soon. But not now.
First I have to feel the texture of the firm carpet against the soles of my feet as my body emerges stiffly, awkwardly, imperfectly into verticality . . . and I am blessed with the beginning of a new day.
from Thirty Thousand Days: A Journal for Purposeful Livinghttp://www.todoinstitute.org/30kdays.html]]>
Spirituality and Relationships – Finding Common Groundtag:www.todoinstitute.com,2007:/30KDays//2.1642007-08-28T03:07:10Z2007-08-28T03:14:57Zby Gregg Krech There’s a story in which three disciples of St. Francis come to him and ask his blessing to go into the desert and live as devout Christian hermits. He says that he’ll gladly give his blessing provided...www.todoinstitute.org
There’s a story in which three disciples of St. Francis come to him and ask his blessing to go into the desert and live as devout Christian hermits. He says that he’ll gladly give his blessing provided they live together rather than separately. St. Francis knew that relationships provide the highest level of spiritual training. If you can forge an intimate relationship with a partner and live together in the same home for many years, you have a training ground that surpasses the most rigorous monastery.
Linda and I have been together for nearly twenty years and we are continuously confronted by the need to resolve differences, solve problems and somehow find a way to accept the other person as a complete package rather than trying to engineer modifications according to our own desires and designs. I felt some comfort in discovering that Relationship expert and researcher John Gottman claims that 69 percent of all marital conflicts never go away. So if you feel frustrated because you and your spouse seem to have the same argument over and over again, you have plenty of company. Knowing that so many other couples get stuck in the misery of repeated conflict may give you some comfort, but it doesn’t help you solve the problem.
So over the next few weeks I’d like to offer a few ideas that can help put your relationship on a healthier track. Rudolf Driekers, the parenting expert from the sixties, says that your relationship can either be a catalyst to bring out the best in both of you, or bring out the worst in both of you. If you can . . .
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Finding Common Ground
Probably the most common trap we fall into with our partners is getting locked into “positions” that become a concrete wall when we are trying to solve problems or resolve conflict. A couple are planning a vacation this fall. He wants to go somewhere and lay on a beach all day and eat seafood in a 4-star restaurant at night. He read an article in the NY Times about Aruba, so now his “position” is set. She wants to go to Tibet and hike and trek around independently and maybe spend a week in a Buddhist temple. Her position is also formed. When they sit down to talk he begins by giving his glowing description of naps on white sand beaches and she rolls her eyes (which he notices) and counters with the excitement of getting in shape to traverse 15,000 foot plateaus and visit nomadic villages. You can see where this is going.
One of the lessons it took me too long to learn was to start the discussion by finding common ground rather than proposing what I want do.
We have some vacation time coming in October. Let’s talk about what we’re looking for in a vacation that we can agree on.
Now in this situation, there may be very little.
1. They both want to get away from home
2. The both want to travel to a foreign country
3. They both want to get some time together given their hectic professional schedules that often prevent them from devoting much time to their relationship
4. They both want to be in a place without TV, cell phone reception and Internet access.
Even where the common ground is thin, you’re better off starting there rather then with your “position.” One of the problems with positions is that as the other person is trying to convince you how great their position is, you end up defending yours more aggressively. The more you defend your position (and he defends his) the more intractable your positions become. In the beginning, you may have been open to a beach in Thailand instead of Aruba. After an hour of arguing, it’s more like, “I’m going to Aruba, with or without you!”
I suggest that anytime you have a topic that has the potential to create conflict, you do two things:
First, always make an appointment with your partner, asking them if they will sit down with you at an agreed upon time to discuss ________. (This is much better then simply announcing you want to talk and catching them off-guard.) And when you begin, start by looking for common ground. You may still have an idea of what you’d like for a decision -- you can’t control having an idea or a preference. But problem solving is so much easier when there are lots of ideas and possibilities, rather than just two. And when you can get through a difficult conversation having succeeded in agreeing upon a solution, your relationship comes out stronger than it was before. You discover how to use your relationship to bring out the best in one another, rather than allowing arguments to mushroom and bring out the worst in you.
Gregg Krech is a leading expert in Japanese psychology and author of Naikan: Gratitude, Grace and the Japanese Art of Self-reflection (Stone Bridge Press). He will be helping to conduct the upcoming distance learning course Renewing Your Relationship (starts Sept 12th) which is sponsored by the ToDo Institute.
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The Self-Important Travelertag:www.todoinstitute.com,2007:/30KDays//2.1612007-08-06T14:01:42Z2007-08-06T14:11:56Zby Gregg Krech A student asked Adyashanti, “What is the teacher’s role in life?” He said, “To be themselves. That is the teacher’s teaching.” This past Spring I had the privilege of giving the dharma talk for the Ohigan holiday...www.todoinstitute.org
A student asked Adyashanti, “What is the teacher’s role in life?” He said, “To be themselves. That is the teacher’s teaching.”
This past Spring I had the privilege of giving the dharma talk for the Ohigan holiday at the Orange County Buddhist Temple in California. In my talk I spoke of different types of travelers and different highways. One of those highways is called the Self-Importance Superhighway (SIS). This is a very busy highway and many people stay on this highway their whole life. That’s unfortunate because it's a very unpleasant drive with lots of traffic. People are always cutting each other off as they try to get in front of one another. They think they should be able to get in front of the other person because what they have to do is so important. There are signs on the highway that say, "Be Proud of Your Success" and "You Deserve the Best." On this highway people are trapped by a self-focused and self-important perspective. Everything is Me, me, me and I, I, I. If they hear about an event they immediately think "How will this affect me?" If they see something interesting or attractive, they think "I would love to have one of those." On the SIS, everybody goes in one direction. And that direction is "How can I gain more/How can I be happier?" Everybody is trying to find the exit ramp for the destination of happiness and personal gain, but they are frustrated because they can't find it. So they just drive faster, but they stay on the same highway. Everybody is searching for happiness, but the drivers aren't happy at all. They aren't enjoying the drive -- they’re mostly frustrated. Please understand that the people who drive on this highway don't think of
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“Even our feeling of not measuring up to who we think we should be is a form of self-importance.”
- Dzigar Kongtrul (Tibetan Lama)
When we begin to get a true glimpse of ourselves and our karma (translate karma as “doing”) in this life then we have reached a crossroads. What is more important – seeing the truth our life, including that which directly undermines our image of self-importance, or trying to feel good about ourselves by giving in to our desire for pleasant feeling states and a false sense of who we are. Naikan is a method of self-reflection that asks us to look at ourselves in a mirror so that our life is revealed to us in a way that has mostly been hidden from us. Though this seems frightening before we have done it, it turns out to be a great blessing, for we discover that letting go of our self-importance is like letting go of a weight we have been dragging around since childhood. Once we relax into who we really are there is no need to maintain an image of self-importance for others, nor to fool ourselves. There is no reason to try to control the unfolding of every aspect of the universe or try to make everything be the way we want it to be. Self-reflection becomes the opportunity to see ourselves as we really are and to give up on ourselves. When we give up on ourselves, we open up a space for faith in something that is beyond this little “self” that we consider so important.
- Gregg Krech
todo@together.net
www.todoinstitute.org
Keywords: Naikan Self-Reflection Spiritual Practice ]]>
Working with Whatever Conditions We Encountertag:www.todoinstitute.com,2007:/30KDays//2.1582007-06-22T21:57:05Z2007-06-22T22:03:09Zby Gregg Krech Janet Lipner had a realization recently. She attended a Tree Care program and after getting certified she helped to plant trees. She commented on all the factors that help a tree grow: depth and circumference of the...www.todoinstitute.org
Janet Lipner had a realization recently. She attended a Tree Care program and after getting certified she helped to plant trees. She commented on all the factors that help a tree grow: depth and circumference of the hole, soil quality, water, etc . . But wherever you plant the tree, the tree has to deal with whatever condition it is planted in. This is really true of any kind of plant, since they cannot move or change their circumstances. But the tree doesn’t complain about it’s situation saying, “I should have been planted in a better spot, now I can’t grow well.” The tree does its best with what it gets. It’s easy for us to focus on how we were dealt a lousy hand in life and use that as constant source of complaint and excuse as to why we haven’t done better. This type of attitude contributes to our own suffering and to the suffering of others. In fact, by complaining like this we create conditions for the “trees” around us that make their lives more difficult. So perhaps we can take a lesson from our friends the trees and simply do our best with whatever situation we encounter. The conditions of our lives will always be less than ideal. But just to be planted on this earth for the short period of time we call ‘this life’ is truly a gift that we should continuously reflect on.
Adapted from ONENESS, The Quarterly Newsletter of Bright Dawnwww.brightdawn.org
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Father's Day Story: A Teddy Bear's Adventure at the Dumptag:www.todoinstitute.com,2007:/30KDays//2.1542007-06-05T18:40:59Z2007-06-06T03:55:16Z In 1999 the public radio show, This American Life, published an audio story of a man who went to extraordinary lengths to search for his 7 year old's lost teddy bear. It's a wonderful story, not only because it...www.todoinstitute.org
In 1999 the public radio show, This American Life, published an audio story of a man who went to extraordinary lengths to search for his 7 year old's lost teddy bear. It's a wonderful story, not only because it shows the dedication of a dad who would do almost anything for his child. But it also makes us aware of all the extraordinary things our dads did for us as kids that we didn't appreciate. Even if we said thanks we probably had no idea of what he really had to go through to make our lives a bit more comfortable or reduce some of the suffering that was our natural karmic consequence.
This story (in audio format) is worth listening to (11 min long). It may inspire you to think of your own father and some of the reasons for honoring him this Father's Day.
You can find it (and several other good stories) on This American Life's website:
http://www.thislife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?episode=132
If you have trouble with their audio player (we did) then you can listen to it below by clicking the PLAY arrow.
The Father's Day story of a dad's extraordinary efforts to locate his son's lost teddy bear.
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Father's Day: Reflections on Dad and Carstag:www.todoinstitute.com,2007:/30KDays//2.1522007-06-04T19:21:34Z2007-06-04T19:29:33Zby Gregg Krech A central theme in my relationship with my father was cars. It started, of course, further back than I can remember. Being driven around as a young child – to family gatherings and on errands and to...www.todoinstitute.org
A central theme in my relationship with my father was cars. It started, of course, further back than I can remember. Being driven around as a young child – to family gatherings and on errands and to doctors and restaurants. I didn’t get very far as a child without wheels and those wheels were paid for and often driven by my dad. At sixteen I obstinately decided that I was going to have my own wheels – no more sharing with my parents. I had saved some money and found a 1967 Mercury Cougar that was “cool” looking. It would have been a great car judged on looks alone, but its ability to get me from one place to another was severely hampered by a dysfunctional engine. Twice I blew a head gasket (major engine problem) while going with my girlfriend on an out-of-town excursion. Each time my dad showed up with his own car and a rented tow-bar to pull me home. Both rescue trips required about 2-3 hours travel one way. And after each break down my dad arranged for the mechanic at work to repair the engine at minimal cost.
When I graduated high school my dad bought me a used Toyota Corolla as a gift. That got me through many of my college years and when I moved to Washington, D.C., my dad offered a sizable down payment on a brand new Celica.
Once I was young, single and working you would expect the car legacy to end, but it didn’t. When I was twenty-five I had major knee surgery and my full leg cast couldn’t deal with the clutch in my manual shift Celica. My dad drove his own Buick all the way to Virginia and traded cars with me for six months. When my knee heeled, he drove the Celica to Cleveland from Chicago. I was visiting my girlfriend’s parents in Pittsburgh, so it was an easy drive to meet him there and reclaim my sporty car again. After ten years my Celica was ready for retirement. My eye caught sight of a car just recently introduced in the U.S. – the Acura (made by Honda). I bought a new Acura Integra and my dad again came up with the down payment that made it possible.
In 1992 I moved to Vermont and got married. My Acura was still healthy, but my wife owned a ailing Toyota corolla that wasn’t going to survive New England winters and dirt roads in the Vermont hills. I found a used all-wheel drive Subaru near my old home in Virginia. My dad lent us the money and we traded the corolla to a local service station for a good pair of snow tires. We paid my dad back just in time to get a new loan from him on a new Subaru in 1995. We were now a two-Subaru family.
By the time we were adopting our first daughter it was time to retire the older Subaru and get something “safe” for our child to ride in. My dad and I agreed that a used Volvo was the way to go. He spotted a 1992 Volvo Station Wagon in a parking lot at a train station in Chicago. He had it inspected, negotiated the sale, arranged for some minor repairs, and then drove it from Chicago to Vermont and delivered it to our home about 9 days after we returned from China with our baby daughter. The car came with another personal loan and the Van that followed (with our second child) came with a down payment from him.
I acquired my driver’s license on my 16th birthday and ever since my dad has made the transition to the next car just a bit easier. Whether it was a down payment, a loan or door to door delivery I can’t look at, or look back at, a single vehicle that doesn’t somehow bear his stamp of generosity. Oh – and I almost forgot – he also taught me how to drive.
Thanks Dad.
Love,
Gregg
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Be Blessed! A Mother's Day Storytag:www.todoinstitute.com,2007:/30KDays//2.1512007-05-11T19:26:42Z2007-05-11T19:28:32Zby Sarah Quigley For as long as I remember, my mother has felt sorry for herself and gotten anxiety attacks, or gotten anxiety attacks and felt sorry for herself. Shrinks, pills, prayers, massage, nothing has helped. So I, her only...www.todoinstitute.org
Sarah Quigley is a poet, writer and author of The Little Book of Courage: A Three Step Process to Overcoming Fear and Anxiety (Conari Press, 2002).]]>
What is Thirty Thousand Days?tag:www.todoinstitute.com,2007:/30KDays//2.1502007-04-25T18:24:18Z2007-05-11T18:09:02ZOne can live at a low flame. Most people do. For some, life is an exercise in moderation (best china saved for special occasions), but given something like death, what does it matter if one looks foolish now and then,...www.todoinstitute.org
One can live at a low flame. Most people do. For some, life is an exercise in moderation (best china saved for special occasions), but given something like death, what does it matter if one looks foolish now and then, or tires too hard, or cares too deeply?
- Diane Ackerman
Does Thirty Thousand Days seem like a long time? It may, until you consider how many of those days you've already used up. You see, thirty thousand days is (roughly) the average number of days available to each human being living in Western society. In 2002, when we renamed our journal. We searched far and wide for a name that would reflect the underlying message of the publication and the ToDo Institute. One evening, as we pondered possible names, Linda, my wife, recalled the introductory essay to a wonderful book, How to Use Your Eyes (Routledge, 2002) by James Elkins. In that essay he says , "Before I sat down to write the chapter on grass, I had never really paid attention to it. I guess I thought I could always do that sometime in the future, when I am retired and have time to spare." Elkins goes on to calculate how many days might remain for his opportunity to pay attention to grass. He starts with 30,000 days, but by the time he factors out
the days he's used up (he's just over forty),
and bad weather days,
and seasons where the grass is either dead or not visible,
he finds that there aren't that many opportunities left.
In this mathematical moment, Elkins does what I hope this website will do. He inspires you to reflect on your life, to consider what it is you want to do, to not procrastinate, to pay attention to the world around you, and to wake up and find meaning and purpose in each moment of your life. So when you think of T h i r t y T h o u s a n d Days, we hope it will remind you to make wise choices about what you do with your time and your life.
And we'll share with you practical tools and ideas for moving forward and making your dreams reality. We'll inspire you. We'll support you. And if you learn something valuable along the way, please support others by sharing your wisdom in the "Comments" section below. So here's a toast to our 30,000 days. Let's live in a way that is worthy of the gift of Life. In the words of Gandhi, let us "be the change we wish to see in the world."
- Gregg Krech
Editor, Thirty Thousand Days]]>
Soon we will be lifting our heads towards the sky to witness the dazzling display of fireworks that marks the celebration of Independence Day. It's a wonderful opportunity to reflect on our good fortune of being born, through no effort of our own, on the soil of a country which offers us a great deal of freedom. We can easily take this freedom for granted. We mostly go where we want to go, say what we want to say, worship the way we want to worship -- and pay little attention to this gift of freedom.
But freedom is different from independence. Independence implies that we are not ]]>
Naikan in Japan) brings this philosophy down to earth. We realize how connected we are. We realize how supported we are. And we see, in the most practical way, how interdependent we all are.
If you want to take this a step further, try putting a note in a bottle and sending it upstream. Write a thank you note to someone who helps you have more freedom. Let them know you appreciate what they're doing and how much you've benefited from their efforts. The birth of our nation is an important date to remember. But let's also acknowledge the birth of our awareness -- an awareness that our freedom is a gift. A gift that's available to us thanks to the efforts and work of countless people, past and present.
Independence often stimulates a sense of pride – a sense that I am competent, capable and I can get along without others. Interdependence, on the other hand, stimulates a sense of humility, a reminder to be grateful -- that we cannot exist except through the efforts of others.
Independence sounds more exciting. Self-reflection, gratitude and humility may not be as spectacular as fireworks. But the world needs something to help us transform our relationships with one another. Exploding rockets won’t do that. Kindness and compassion can do it. And we’re more likely to cultivate those qualities when we celebrate our connection with others, rather than our separateness.
Happy Interdependence Day!
Gregg Krech is the Director of the ToDo Institute, an educational center for Japanese Psychology and Purposeful Living in Vermont. He is the author of several books including the award-winning Naikan: Gratitude, Grace and the Japanese Art of Self-Reflection and A Finger Pointing to the Moon. He is a leading authority on Japanese methods of psychology and his work has been featured in Counseling Today, Cosmopolitan, SELF and American Health magazines. More of his writing can be found at
www.todoinstitute.org
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For the past twenty years I have been conducting retreats in which a person spends a week reflecting on his or her entire life (Naikan retreat). A participant always begins with her mother and a central part of the reflection is remembering the details of what was received from her mother from the time of her birth until the present day. But in many cases, the person’s mother has already died. On Mother’s day, how do we create a celebration for our mother when she is no longer alive. Here are a five possible ideas:
1. Spend time reflecting on your mother using Naikan’s three questions.
You can select a period of your life, generally a three year period before you left home, and spend 45-60 minutes reflecting on the following three questions
a. What did I receive from my mother?
b. What did I give to my mother?
c. What troubles and difficulties did I cause my mother?
2. Plant a tree or perennial in your mother’s name
At our retreat center, the ToDo Institute, we plant trees for people who become Life Members. Some of these people ask that the tree be planted in the name of their mother. We planted an ornamental cherry tree in the name of my friend Sue’s mom and each spring it bursts into beautiful blossoms.
3. Write your mother a thank you letter
Even though you mother may not be alive, you can still write her a thank you letter. Try to be specific and thank her for specific efforts she made (like the time she took you to the emergency room when you broke your ankle) rather than for generalities like cooking, housekeeping and care. What did she actually do to show you she loved you? You may wish to have a quiet ceremony at her grave or in your home to read your letter to her.
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3. Write your mother a thank you letter
Even though you mother may not be alive, you can still write her a thank you letter. Try to be specific and thank her for specific efforts she made (like the time she took you to the emergency room when you broke your ankle) rather than for generalities like cooking, housekeeping and care. What did she actually do to show you she loved you? You may wish to have a quiet ceremony at her grave or in your home to read your letter to her.
4. Tell stories about your mom
A wonderful way to keep your mom’s memory alive is to tell stories about her. Share them with your grandchildren, spouse, children or close friends. Most of us can easily identify our mom’s shortcomings, but this is a great opportunity to tell stories that celebrate her life.
Celebrating our mother’s memory is for our benefit, as much as it is for hers. Remembering the ways we were cared for and loved at a time when we could do little for ourselves reminds us that our birth was a gift, and we live, thanks to the compassion and love of a multitude of people and objects. Our mother was one manifestation of that love. By our standards, we may see her love as imperfect, but where would we be today without her?
The other day I was walking down our driveway which had become icy as a result of sleet, freezing rain, a warm sun, and then cold frigid temperatures. One large segment of the driveway was like a skating rink. Even if you walked very carefully, it was almost impossible to cross the ice without slipping and falling. So I decided to simply go around the ice by walking alongside the driveway where there were still several inches of crusty, hard snow. By going around the ice, I was able to continue my walk without confronting the ice directly.
This is the strategy Morita therapy offers for dealing with the challenging feeling-states we all face from time to time – depression, fear, anxiety, despair, frustration and even anger. We are generally taught that we must . . .
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“There is an old Buddhist term, ocho, which means overcoming by going around. In confronting a problem head-on, you may encounter a wall so high and thick that you cannot break through it. So you turn to one side and go around the wall. This is ocho. Instead of sitting desolately in front of the wall that is blocking your progress, you try to get around it by making a long detour, or even by digging under it . . . It is a subtle but simple movement of the mind that makes this transformation complete, but an invaluable one to learn and perfect.”
- Hiroyuki Itsuki
It takes a lot of strength to knock down a wall of depression. It takes great courage to break through a wall of fear. But to simply go around the wall doesn’t require any strength or courage at all. It requires a bit of wisdom. It requires clarity of purpose. And it requires acceptance. We leave the ice intact. We leave the wall standing. We overcome our anxiety by going around it, not by destroying it or freeing ourselves from it. You don’t need to travel in a straight line. Water doesn’t travel in a straight line. Because of its flexibility it is impossible to contain it. Let us learn the art of ocho and live more like water.
- Gregg Krech, ToDo Institute
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A new year is upon us, or so it seems. It’s time for resolutions --
a contest between will and habit. A time for making plans.
A time for dreaming of what we wish will happen.